Princess Peach's Dirty Little Secret

Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars is the glorious child which was was the consummation of the holy union between Squaresoft and Nintendo whn both where in the prime of their lives.  The game had everything: an engrossing story, interesting characters, the awesome marriage of Mario mechanics with RPG elements and of course, Geno.  Plus the game was rated K-A (the equivalent of "E for Everyone") by the ESRB.  So not only was Mario RPG fun, it was good wholesome fun.

Or was it?

Early in the game, Mario finds himself in the Mushroom Kingdom's palace.  Princess Toadstool (as per usual) is missing and so you can explore her room unimpeded.  Checking behind the princess's fireplace will result in this:

At this point Toadstool's grandmother will rush over to you and give you a mushroom if you promise to mind your own business.  Kind of weird right? But I'm sure it's nothing too diabolical.  Perhaps it's her Garbage Pail Kids card collection, and she's a little embarrassed about her obsession.  

GAH!  If I owned something this disturbing I would keep it a secret too!

If you return to Toadstool's room after rescuing her, when you check the same area she will scold Mario telling him that he has no respect for her personal belongings.  Again I'm sure it's nothing diabolical.  Of course in the Japanese version of the game is a little more...er...explicit in it's description of what's behind the fireplace:

Yeah, in Japan the mystery item is referred to as "Peach's XXX" so, you know, it's probably porn and/or something else that is equally inappropriate and battery-powered.  What the heck, Square?  

No wonder there's all kinds of very weird Princess Peach fan art out on the internet.  Square started a terrible trend of perverting Princess Toadstool's wholesome image into something morbidly grotesque that has blossomed into a full-blown nightmare today.  Seriously, thank heavens I didn't google Princess Peach  at work.  Even with "Safe Search" turned on, there was some legitimately terrifying images that cropped up, which basically elicited this reaction from me:

Is no part of my childhood safe?  

 

 

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